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December 11, 2002 - My Buddy
Dear Buddy, I hope this letter finds you well. I'm writing to you because I've had the misfortune to enter this fine city just as you left it behind, and I wanted to thank you for making it such a wonderful place for me and my family to live. Wherever else our journey may take us, I think we'll always be proud to say we lived in Providence. I hope, too, that prison life isn't treating you too badly, that, as you said on "60 Minutes", it's like visiting a very inexpensive spa. How is your weight loss program going, by the way? I was impressed when you said you were going to master Spanish during your time inside, so best of luck with that, too. You know, if I was (were?) a man, and I came home and found my wife in bed with another man, I just might tie him to a chair and wallop him with a piece of firewood and brandish a lit cigarette at him, too. I know you weren't on trial for that particular little piece of your past, and that it happened many years ago, and that nothing was ever proven, and that you've always maintained that the whole thing was blown way out of proportion, and when you said on "60 minutes" that all you did was throw an unlit cigarette at the guy, I believed you. But I wanted you to know that I understand. As for the whole bribery/kickbacks/extortion thing, all I have to say is this: as we drove through the broad and lovely streets of downtown Providence - perhaps the only former mill town in New England that hasn't collapsed in on itself like a dying star - my husband pointed out the window and said to me, "Look what graft can do." I say, if you had to put the squeeze on a few contractors or tow truck drivers or what have you here and there, it's all been well worth it. Hell, if I'm still here when you get out in four or five years and you decide to run for mayor again, I'd be more than happy to vote for you. Such a charming city! So New York lights up a 150-foot tall Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center with Carly Simon and the Rockettes. Big deal - here in Providence, we light up the Big Blue Bug (the 150-foot long mascot for a local exterminator) while serenaded by the West Warwick High School Choir. Though speaking of New York, unlike some other not-too-distant places I could name, it's refreshing to live in a town that doesn't have a nasty complex about comparing itself to New York and always coming up short. In fact, were I not a vegetarian, I could pop into one of Providence's many "New York System Wieners" hot dog shops and grab me one. Also, had I known that coffee milk (which is like chocolate milk, but made with coffee syrup instead of chocolate) was the Official State Drink, I would have moved here a long, long time ago. I drove through your downtown yesterday, past the Biltmore Hotel where you used to live, past the rivers that you raised up from underground - like a Greek god freeing them from the Underworld - and lined with graceful stone banks. A pair of swans floated side by side in this river, and I wondered how many other cities were fortunate enough to have swans right in the middle of downtown. I know that you're not personally responsible for them, but you've been our benevolent dictator for so long that I attribute all good things here to you. Just last night, as I drove home through the dark and some creep cut me off because the streetlights were out and the pavement wasn't marked and I generally (it must be admitted) was driving like some dim-bulb babe with absolutely no idea where I was going, I thought to myself, Buddy would've gotten those streetlights fixed. Buddy would've gotten lines painted on these streets faster than you could say payola. Such a shame he was convicted and taken away from us! In closing, I was very sorry to see you go. I felt a rueful sadness in my heart when I watched on TV as your van drove away through the falling snow, headed for prison in Jersey. You seem to have a pretty upbeat attitude about the whole thing - being in jail with actual criminals, drug dealers and all, no white-collar country-club prison stretch for you - but your big brown eyes are so sad. Baggy underneath, they twinkle at the corners. I hope that nothing takes away that twinkle in your eyes, and I hope to be here when your appeal goes through and you make your triumphal return. In the meantime, I remain, Sascha Louise Weatherford Proud Citizen of Providence PS: I know it's none of my business and I really shouldn't ask, but I can't help wondering: did they let you keep your wig? |